did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I am mentally ready for anal.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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