If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
