"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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