I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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