Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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