im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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