eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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