All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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