My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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