dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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