In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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