you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
