oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
