drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
