Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
