just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
