I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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