my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
