So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
