you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
