My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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