Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
