Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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