listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
