i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize