Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
NoShamevember. You game?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize