I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
