I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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