Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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