i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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