its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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