I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
