when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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