apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
