drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
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If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
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he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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