Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
