As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
