just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
