I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
