I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
