well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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