Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
