He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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