Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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