Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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