1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
