I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I can't turn off my feet"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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