We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
