I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
