Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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