My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
