I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How does it feel to date your dad?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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