I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
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When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
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The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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