Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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