I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
